Be Still

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written a post here. It’s not because I have nothing to say, but rather because I have so much to say I don’t know where to start. The last few months have been…well…interesting, to say the least. My whole life has basically been turned upside down. That sounds bad, and on the surface it looks bad, but a lot of good has come from it.

On my birthday (Jan 5), I received an email in which the writer hoped that this year turns out to be the best of my life. It was from an unlikely source and was much appreciated. As it turns out, this year has, so far, been one of the worst of my life. (Maybe that email jinxed it.)

I started out the year in great financial hardship. Working at Walmart won’t make you big bucks, unless you’re in upper management. Thankfully, I had the opportunity to set out on a totally different career path. It hasn’t been easy, though, and I’m still not making big bucks. There were a couple months when I had hardly any income at all, and looking back, I can’t figure out how we made it…except by God’s provision.

For the past 4+ years, I’ve had a decision weighing heavily on me. It has become weightier over the past several months, to the point that I knew I had to decide what to do, and soon. Through the very tough months earlier this year, I finally gave up my stubborn refusal to consider one option and put the whole thing in God’s hands, willing to do that one thing I didn’t want to do, if that was what He wanted. Although I couldn’t see how it could possibly be a good thing for me and Sam, I knew that if that was God’s plan for us, He would make everything work out for our good. As I started preparing for a move, I began to realize a little more every day that that was not the way God was leading, after all. For the first time in over 4 years, I feel totally at peace about this huge decision, and I know what I must do.

Knowing what I need to do and getting it done are sometimes not easily reconciled. Part of my plan involves selling some of my things, some very large items. In moving these items, I managed to hurt my back badly, and I had to completely stop doing anything active for a while. It’s so hard to just sit still when you have lots of work you need and want to do.

My plans have also been stalled somewhat by the slow flow of finances. In March, I was made aware of a source of income that is due to us. At that time, I was told to expect it in 6-8 weeks. After waiting 6 weeks, I called to check on it and was told to wait a couple more weeks. After that time had passed, I called again, only to find out that it would be several more weeks before I would receive it. I’ve not historically been a patient person, but this summer has taught me a lot about patience. Knowing something is coming and having to wait and wait and wait for it is not easy for me, especially when it will help further my goals.

I can’t stand to be in limbo; I am beyond impatient. Regretfully, there are so many instances in my life when I have messed things up because I couldn’t wait for the outcome. I had to force an ending (most often to my detriment) because I couldn’t stand not knowing how it was going to end. I recently talked with a friend about this, and she praised me for recognizing the problem and assured me that it was the first step in overcoming it. I’ve titled this post “Be Still” because Psalm 46:10 has become a verse that I quote to myself over and over as I remind myself that God is the One in control of both my steps and the timing of those steps. The verse says, “Be still, and know that I am God…” I don’t like to be still. I like to be actively affecting my destiny. The past few months, I’ve been slowed down, both physically and financially, and I’ve learned so much about God’s plans, His timing, His provision, and His great love for His children. I have finally learned (I hope) to be patient, to not force outcomes, and most importantly, to follow God’s leading and trust in His timing.

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